Spoil the Rod and Spare the Children: #Discipline in the 21st Century, from Managing to #Mindfulness in the Classroom

My husband’s family converted from Hinduism to Christianity years ago and are active in the Pentecostal church. Whenever we go to Guyana, a visit to church and/or a “revival” ends up being just as much of a cultural experience as it is a spiritual experience. We listened to a message focused on Father’s Day, and the pastor asked fathers to be leaders, disciplinarians, and teachers to their children. Overall his message was inspiring and positive. But his definition of discipline, as you might imagine, was along the lines of “spare the rod, spoil the child”, doing what is necessary to demand obeisance. It was strange to hear that this form of parenting “technology” is still encouraged and it hurt my heart a bit to look around at the beautiful children in the church and realize that they would be given “lashes” and “licks” because a man of God instructed their families to do so. If you as a parent came to such a point of anger that you felt like strong condemnation and a physical consequence was warranted, then you have to wonder what opportunities you missed to alter the child’s behavior in a more gentle and kind way.  As I see it, whether it is from a secular point of view or from a spiritual point of view, violence towards another, whether in deed or in word, may give you short-term submission but never sustainable love and trust.

However, the whole notion of children having “rights” is actually a rather new one in our human history and it has taken years to shift the public opinion of many countries. Think about it,  UN’s Rights of a Child wasn’t drafted until the 1990s and even so countries like America have yet to ratify it due to the ground of religious tolerance, even though most states in the US have laws against child abuse and neglect. So it wasn’t that long ago corporal punishment was in use in schools and is still common in some places today. I remember a 7th-grade boy in middle school who got paddled for speaking up to a teacher. He said it didn’t hurt, but I’m sure the sting of that humiliation never quite leaves you.

Yet, the alternative to beatings, let’s call it Discipline 2.0 wasn’t really all that much better. As I reflect on the work of Alfie Kohn and his book, Beyond Discipline, From Compliance to Community, he challenged the whole idea of controlling students. As a teacher brought up in those traditional schools, that book made me stop dead in my tracks and take a good look at my classroom management techniques.  Early in my teaching career, I taught in some tough schools with some really challenging students—students who had difficult home lives and had very little motivation or structure in their lives. I remember that my school district gave all new teachers the book, The First Days of School by Harry Wong. I remember how disappointed I felt when students didn’t just whip up their hands when I said: “Give me Five”.   Goodness knows I tried just about everything under the sun to “manage” them. I thought that is what I needed to do.  I remember one time making those “traffic lights” cards for my class: green=good, yellow=caution, red=time out of class. Oh lord, what a stupid idea that was—I spent more time changing those cards than I did teaching. That was a turning point for me but it wasn’t until I had made a study of Non-Violent Communication (based on the principles of Gandhi and Martin Luther King), which spoke to the importance of understanding the why behind the child’s “no” and using non-judgmental language when talking with children, that I shifted my mindset from an autocratic one to one of openness and curiosity.

Recently I had my “classroom management” skills tested and, moreover, my beliefs about the role of the teacher. In an effort to be more collaborative, my new school had the grade level classroom walls torn down, which created an acoustical nightmare and made for a very stressful learning environment until the class got settled. My grade level teaching partner lost her voice early in the year and went on short-term sick leave.  I was faced with the challenge of setting up 2 first grade classrooms. I haven’t taught a class of 38 first graders and I felt nervous creating routines for a class that wasn’t “mine”. When I saw children running in the hallways and climbing trees, I felt that my approaches might be deemed too traditional in my new school. Our students are quite free here, although I don’t think our school is as unstructured as the New Zealand school without rules. With that in mind, I felt a bit alone and helpless since I had neither established rapport with students or guidance from staff to draw a line in the sand and cultivate classroom routines. Eventually I stopped caring whether I was “doing the right thing” and would be accepted at my new school,  but for a period of time I felt like I was on the verge of becoming one of those textbook examples of Kohn’s, using my voice more than I wanted to and inches away from a marble jar or sticker chart. Feeling a burden of responsibility for a group of students that size, I was incredibly frustrated, but thank goodness for Mindfulness (and a wonderful temporary co-teacher who snapped me out of my limbo state). My personal mindfulness practice saved me and introducing it as a part of the Who We Are unit to the students was vital to creating a culture of kindness and self-awareness. Our school counselors also came in and did lessons from the Mindful Schools curriculum a couple times a week.   I really can testify to its benefits and encourage all educators to use in their classrooms. It created calm out of chaos and students made positive choices and naturally became self-disciplined, as our community of learning took shape.

Let me just say that cultivating a culture of mindfulness is NOT a quick fix. It is a practice and subtle changes are like compounded interest, multiplying over time until things become second-nature. These are the 5 practices that we implemented in our community of learning:

1. Stop, Breath and Think

We spent a lot of time talking about our breath, counting our breaths and watching our breath during morning meetings. We talked about our brains and learned about “flipping our lids” when we experience stress. We made glitter jars to help us go from “crazy brain” to “calm brain”.  We purposefully got ourselves in a high emotional state and then used the technique of Stop, Breath and Think. Next year I think I will introduce this sooner and practice it more often because this is the heart of mindfulness—creating space before you respond to situations.

2. Cultivating Compassion for others and yourself

We had 2 of our grade level team members who got very sick early in the year. Sending well-wishes to them and others (who the children selected) was a daily event during their absence. The children never got tired of listening to the mindfulness bell and repeating the phrases: May you be healthy, May you be Safe, May you be Happy May you be Peaceful, May you be Loved. They also thought it was fun to send themselves well-wishes because they admitted that there are times when they feel sick or gloomy and it felt refreshing to send care to themselves. Next year, I’d like to add “Well-Wisher” to our list of classroom jobs so students lead more of these activities, other than ringing the bell.

3. Notice and name emotions

What emotion is it that you feel? Where do you feel this emotion? Are you holding more than 1 emotion in your body? This was easy to do in our group lessons and write in our journals but not easy for students to do in the “heat” of a moment. However, even as adults, how rarely do we stop and ask ourselves “How am I feeling?”, so developing this practice takes more of a conscious effort.

4.  Consider the choices you have

This practice didn’t really take shape until we introduced Kelso’s Choices. That provided a good framework for having the Kelso Wheel of Choices up as a cue. Students could then Stop, Breath and Think and have something to “think” about—which choice can I make at this moment? But I think next year we might need to spend more time examining how we “talk it out”.

5. Giving Appreciation

We talked about how our hearts are like balloons and we can blow up our balloons with kind words. We can also deflate our balloons with unkind words. Later in the year, we brought in the book, How Full is Your Bucket, which also provided another perspective on how our words add or take away someone’s self-esteem. We explicitly taught students how to give sincere compliments, which later evolved into providing meaningful feedback. Students would contribute to an Appreciation Jar, writing down an expression of thanks for friends that helped them in small and big ways. Next year, I’d like to develop more of a routine around the Appreciation Jar because when the class becomes more positively focused, less conflict tends to arise.

One practice that I didn’t implement this year that I want to make more of an effort to instill next year is that of cultivating equanimity by using curiosity as a stance. I haven’t really seen this in programs for mindfulness in schools yet, but curiosity is a powerful tool to help distance yourself from emotions and develop empathy for others.

Personally, as hard as that 1st term was, I am infinitely grateful for these “hard lessons” in “classroom management” and the deep introspection that it created. The truth was, I was really never really alone. I had 38 little persons who wanted to help create a wonderful learning community. I should have cared more about the ideas and opinions of those beautiful children in our classroom to begin with, rather than looking to other adults for answers.

As I reflect on the parents and teachers out there who are struggling with traditions that are based on hierarchal power structures, I know that eventually, they will turn these structures on their heads.  And if you are in a position in which your discipline measures are not working, then reach out to experience the practice of mindfulness. First for yourself, so you can know the benefits first hand and then guide the children.  This year was my first go at using it, and I look forward to building upon the lessons I learned and deepening my practice alongside the children. In my opinion, these sorts of approaches are the next evolution in education and “classroom management” is more about developing authentic relationships with students and less about trying to “discipline” them.