Together, We are Better: Communication That Creates Community with Our Families

How do you see your parents? What words would you use to describe the families in your learning community?

Are they a nuisance? Are they demanding? Or are they helpful? Supportive?

Take a moment and think about the words you have used recently to talk about a family in your learning community. Were you complaining or complimenting? And, if you had to evaluate the language you use to talk about parents, in general, would you say you use mostly positive language or negative language?  

In the Ubuntu tradition of South Africa, they have this expression: “Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu / motho ke motho ka batho” which translates to “A person is a person through other people.” Or also said,  “I am because you are”.

The expression …means that we are recreated anew in every encounter with another person, bringing to each other the unique gifts of our humanity. Those gifts include our differences, which are worth celebrating and preserving. You enrich my life with your unique difference….Ubuntu does not ask that we erase differences and become the same. It asks that we interpret others positively, recognizing that whatever our differences, our humanity is equal. It is an invitation to dialogue, to understanding, even without agreement, and with understanding comes compassion, tolerance, nobility, sharing.

From “Ubuntu: A Philosophy of Dialogue” by Zara Houshmand

When you consider these words, it makes you wonder how are you interpreting others around you? Needless to say, it’s important to reflect on our “normal” discourse about our families at our schools because we need to consider if we have compassionate perspectives or critical viewpoints of them. Moreover, we need to recognize that those points of view create a bias in how we interact with them.

In the book, Letters to a Young Teacher, Jonathan Kozol provides advice and insight into how we make judgments of parents:

It is even more important to reach out with special care to parents who may seem to have the least involvement,  or least commitment to, the education of their children….it’s all too easy to for  young teachers, even quite unconsciously, to write off the parents who are not cooperative at first, instead of trying to discover why it is that some of them will not respond to messages that we send home or seem reluctant to show up to meetings that we schedule.

The parents that are most reliable, and the most cooperative…quickly win the loyalty of teachers because they are genuinely helpful. They also tend to share more of the social styles and the value systems of the teachers, so that teachers feel a natural rapport with them and find it easy to converse with them. In the case of the less cooperative parents, on the other hand, I’ve known teachers who throw up their hands and, out of sheer impatience or a feeling of futility, give up on any serious attempts to engage their interest and end up really knowing them.

I feel that he accurately describes the tendency we have to relate better to parents who seem similar to us, and, on the other hand, judge harshly the parents who seem disconnected. However, if we can recognize this bias and reflect upon it, I think it will help us to stay open to the ways in which we can “discover why it is that some of them will not respond to messages that we send home or seem reluctant to show up to meetings that we schedule.” I wholeheartedly agree with his advice to pursue a relationship with those families who seem detached from their child’s life. Whether or not it’s written in our job description, all educators must make parents a priority if they are going to create transformative learning experiences for their students. We must engage with our families.

Finding a Sweet Spot

Although I hate to simplify complex relationships, you can think of parents on a continuum, in which there is a range of engagement practices from completely disinterested and uninvolved to over interested and obtrusive.

As I consider why it is that some parents, whether they are busy or not, make the effort to engage with schools, I think it boils down to trust. Sometimes, we have those helicopter parents who hover around the school, who are often seen as meddling. Often times, they appear intrusive and seem to lack confidence in our ability to meet their child’s needs. They are one level of the extremes and on the other side are those parents who seem to care less about their child and school. We often wonder why they drop off their kids and seem apathetic about their child’s cognitive and social development? In some painful instances, their children seem like more of an inconvenience than a blessing.

Oh and in the middle? These are the “helpful” parents, the ones that are easy to love, in which trust is freely given by the parents to the teacher and reciprocated by the teacher regarding the parents’ efforts to develop their child as a learner.

But what about other those “difficult” parents? The ones on the extremes. Well, I think we all recognize that we can’t match disinterested parents with our own disregard, nor can we get stressed out over the parents who are trying to prepare their child for the SATs in 1st grade. However, we need to “turn to wonder” and become deeply curious about the causes of this apprehension, and not only have an open mind but also have an open-heart to the struggle and conditions that create an unwillingness to partner with teachers. Likewise, the same ingredients that develop trust and get parents to “move toward the middle” work for both sides of this continuum.  And this comes down to communication. Although others have identified that there are 9 traits of trustworthy people, in particular, there are 3 main messages that must be communicated to demonstrate to families that you are deserving of their confidence and time:

1. Competence: Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
2. Integrity: Trust me, I keep my word and am acting in your best interest. I wouldn’t steer you wrong.
3. Kindness: Trust me, I like your child and want to help.

Of course, if teachers can connect and develop a rapport with parents, it is easy to communicate these messages. The question is how do we establish these opportunities? And who’s job is it to initiate the contact? Well, in short, it’s EVERYONE’S!

The Institutional Handshake

School-wide communication

These are the newsletters, Twitter feeds, and other channels of communication that go out to the whole school community. In general, these are passive forms of communication, in which there is a one-way flow of information with very little expectation for parents to respond. In my mind, these forms of communication are the bare minimum that a school needs to do to keep families in “the know”. However, the school leadership and administration must plan school events to create occasions to celebrate learning and inform families of the progress that is underway in the learning community.

The School Calendar of Events

Creating school events that make face-to-face communication possible is really important to create a vibrant and engaged community. Sports Day, an International Fair, and concerts/performances are such events that mix fun with learning. They are low commital events though for families, but are necessary for culture building and are important opportunities for families to have exposure to staff to engage in informal conversation. Conversations are the heart of any relationship, which is why academic conferences are also sprinkled around the school year so that more directed discussions can take place around student learning. I know some schools have Celebrations of Learning after every PYP unit. That’s a tremendous amount of energy put forth into a class presentation, but Student-Led conferences are also a great way to share learning which may be less work to pull off on a frequent basis.

Listening Campaigns

In Stephen Convey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit #5 is to seek first to understand, then to be understood, in which the ability to listen with empathy is a key skill. When we genuinely listen to a person, it not only opens our eyes to their concerns but also validates them as a human being. This has the opportunity to build a lot of trust between the organization and the families they serve in the community. The possibility to generate an atmosphere of caring and positive problem-solving is high when schools engage in this level of communication.

Depending on the nature and size of an issue, schools can host “listening campaigns” in which they invite families and employees and students to give feedback about their experience of the system. There is an open invitation issued to participate in gathering and analyzing information.

So what is a listening campaign? In a nutshell, this is a research process, in which leaders strive to:

• Examine a problem or issue in which school leadership would benefit from multiple perspectives, so as to identify and define a specific issue that needs to be addressed.
• Explore possible solutions and find the necessary resources to implement the desired solution
• Identify the decision-maker with the authority to resolve the issue
• Gather “intelligence” on the dynamics that contribute to the problem.

 

More Up Close and Personal: The Classroom level

As a teacher, what words do you think parents might use to describe you? How do you make them feel?

I find it important to reflect on these questions because those answers depend on your level of communication. In general, parents are more satisfied with their child’s teacher when information about the learning is being conveyed. So what, when and where is this information being announced and shared?

Digital Communication

This is probably the most common form of communication–the emails, the SeeSaw posts, Google Classroom announcements, etc..

But how often do you communicate learning? Once a month? Once a week? Once a day?

One Harvard study shows that the frequency of communication really matters:

We find that frequent teacher-family communication immediately increased student engagement as measured by homework completion rates, on-task behavior, and class participation. On average, teacher-family communication increased the odds that students completed their homework by 40%, decreased instances in which teachers had to redirect students’ attention to the task at hand by 25%, and increased class participation rates by 15%.

When you consider this, how often you communicate really plays a significant role in your ability to create partnerships with parents. Moreover, the predictability and persistence of your communication matters.

What does that mean?

It means that you are sending out messages on a consistent basis such as a summary of the learning in a Friday email. Also, when you are sharing information or a request for support, do it with expectant gratitude. Here’s an example of a big ask (dedicating time to help your child research), followed by an affirming message of their support.

Dear Families, 

We are embarking on our first research mission for our unit and need your help! During this project, students will be responsible to research the different points of view when it comes to screen time usage for their age group. I have provided some websites for them already, but I’d like them to find 2 more so that they explore at least 5 different perspectives. In this way, they are not only learning HOW to research but also getting into the habit of discerning the information on the sites. Naturally, this complex task needs guidance and so I am so grateful for your support of your child, helping them to be independent and confident researchers. Your encouragement and assistance will make all the difference to their success, so please contact me if you need help in supporting your child with their use of the research guide I provided. I know that when we are partners in their learning, your child achieves more.

As always, I am grateful for your support and care. If you have any questions or concerns, I am happy to help.

All the best,

Ms. Judy

What do you think- Would you, as a parent engage? Why or why not? Do you feel that you could contact me with questions? As an educator, never underestimate the power and precision of your message. What you communicate and how you communicate creates the culture of your classroom–even to parents! They are a part of your learning community! And YOU train your parents to be kind and helpful when you deliver messages in the same way–it’s those mirror neurons kicking in, so develop your “teacher voice” in your digital emails to be one that is courteous and encouraging.

The Face-to-Face

At the end of the day, I used to love running out with the kids to have an opportunity to chat with parents. I know you may be tired and have a long list of things to do, but a few minutes of chit-chat is worth its weight in gold.  It’s a good time to be friendly, share an anecdote about a child’s day and ask questions.

“Oh my, Mia seemed so tired today. Is she sleeping well at night?”

“Paulo really made me laugh today. He told me that he knows all about the past since his mom comes from the past. Apparently, you are an expert!”

“Ollie mentioned that his grandma is in the hospital. Is everything okay?”

It’s these little conversations, more so than the formal parent meetings, which makes for the lasting glue in a relationship and the information you mine from these conversations–PRICELESS. And when you do have to conduct a formal parent meeting, families aren’t as nervous and defensive because whatever you are going to share with them comes from a place of genuine care for their child. They know that since you’ve been nothing but considerate and approachable from Day 1 of school.

There are a lot of really great teachers who squander the opportunity to meet and greet families on a regular basis. This frequently happens in the upper grades since you may not have to escort students out at the end of the day and so stay in your classrooms. But when you avoid parent contact, families don’t actually think you’re so hot. They find you aloof and often discredit your teaching approaches. You end up being a source of complaint in the WhatsApp or WeChat group, which sometimes ends up with an email to the principal. All it takes is a smile and a bit of banter to change the tides. The time spent is absolutely worth it.

“I am because you are”

In the PYP, we are social constructivist. We grow through each other. Keep parents in that equation. They matter. A LOT. They are a part of our learning community. Lean into the challenges of your parent groups and enlist them through positive and productive conversations. It is our collective positive effort that lifts everyone–all members. So, I hope I have inspired you to reflect and consider your communication style and its impact on student learning and relationship building. Please share any unique way that you or your school cultivates parent involvement. We all do better when we do it together.